Kalamazoo Cockblocking

An unfortunate part of female social conditioning (in America, at least), is that many college-aged girls feel that they possess the imperative to vociferously cockblock any and all guys that their friend might even consider fucking when they go out. Girls in Kalamazoo do it with impunity and always with a hilariously corny bitch-flair (“Nice try,”) that tempts you to call her out on the fifteen extra lbs of cottage cheese teetering on her waistline.

Before I begin this discussion, I’m going to define what a cockblock is and isn’t:

NOT a cockblock: Girl you’re talking to is obviously uninterested in your shitty “game” and/or disheveled appearance. Friend or another male suitor swoop in to “save” (relieve) her of you.

COCKBLOCK | verb /käk-bläk/: 

1. When a jealous or misguided female makes a forcible attempt at extracting another female from an interaction with a male suitor that the friend is interested in.

2. When a jealous and/or opportunistic dude interjects himself, uninvited, into an interaction between a guy and a girl, where the girl is obviously interested in the guy she’s talking to. His intention is to divert the focus of the girl from the other guy and onto himself.

In general, there are three main types of cockblockers, which I will list in no particular order:

Cockblocker Type 1: Reformed Slut Rita
Rita had daddy issues growing up and little self control. Upon arriving in college as a lithe, naive freshman at the ripe age of 17, she used her newfound freedom the best way she knew how: fucking anything that moved.

Rita quickly realized that, in the real world, actions carry consequences. The squandering of her social capital as a result of slutting out the first semester of college left her at the fringes or excommunicated by the Welcome Week social circles she was a part of. Back home, she became known as the high school virgin who went on to participate in a 5-man gangbang with a bukkake finish in the third week of school. In Kalamazoo, she’s known as just another chick who got fucked by five dudes at the same time.

By the time she turns 21, the ass-reaming she committed on her reputation (and the ass-reaming committed on her) has become a bygone memory. All that’s left now is scar tissue, extreme paranoia, and occasional bouts of irrational behavior. Rita now has new circle of friends within which she has unilaterally assigned herself as the resident mother-hen because she believes being a fuck-up qualifies one to give advice. To “repent” for her past, she assumes the mantle of Pussy Police, relentlessly cockblocking any guy that comes within a five foot radius of her friends.

How to handle: Buy her shots until drunkedness brings down the ramparts of her maternal facade and the slut within is unleashed. She will eventually skip off to find the guy she saw once in lecture in Psych 101 to “catch up.” More experienced Ritas have already relapsed one or two times back into slut-mode and will require craftier measures to neutralize.

Cockblocker Type 2: Unattractive Ursula
Ursula is the opposite of Rita in that she has spent her first couple years of college with few or no sexual experiences. This is not because she possesses self-respect or discipline, but because she resembles the aftermath of that time Satan got wasted and accidentally fucked a wild boar in the fourth level of Hell. Ursula descends from an affluent, probably east side, family and is thus an entitled brat who thinks she deserves a decent-looking guy even though she clocked in precisely 4 hours in the gym all year, 3.5 of which were dedicated to flipping back and forth through her iPhone.

Her entitlement also means that she will not accept any of her friends attaining what she cannot, namely a decent guy. Because Ursula is probably a virgin, the “slut” label she can slap onto her friends sticks like industrial-strength adhesive.

How to handle: Give her attention. Ursula wants to feel as pretty as her hot friend, so engage her as much as you do the girl you want to fuck. Gradually withdraw attention from Ursula until you can finally communicate with the hot friend in peace. That said, Ursula will eventually catch on and cockblock you anyway.

Cockblocker Type 3: Scavenger Steve
This is probably the shittiest Kalamazoo cockblocker because any moral pretense is thrown out the window. Ursula and Rita can at least claim that they’re saving their friend from an imminent hit’n quit, but Steve is trying to, in Jersey Shore vernacular, “commit a robbery.” Fortunately, Steve is usually the most scarce of Team Blocker’s line-up, but you ought to beware of him nonetheless.

Steve is often socially awkward and/or physically unappealing, factors which compound his difficulty in starting conversations with girls. To compensate, he waits for somebody to do the work for him then drops into the conversation uninvited. Unfortunately, Steve is usually a guy you came to the bar with, although a random, feral Steve might also appear on occasion. Steve always has an amazing story to tell that’s sort of like the one he just overheard you talking about for the past five minutes, but three times better and it took place on Mars.

How to handle: Be a dick. Don’t even let him into the conversation. Just ignore the bugger and he’ll give up and go away. Yeah, it’s that simple. If he’s persistent, tell him, like a boss, to take a hike.

The sad truth…

There is no efficient way to dispose of a cockblocker. Like any bad behavior, it needs to be shamed in order for it to stop. The only way to do this is by calling cockblockers out, especially Rita and Ursula. How you choose to do that is up to you, but I can assure you that if you call out one cockblocker she’s going to think twice before doing it again. Maybe you won’t reap the benefits, but another guy probably will.  Think of it this way: if all guys everywhere unite to end cockblocking as we know it, we could experience a sexual renaissance in this city unlike anywhere else in America.


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