Getting a one-night-stand in Kalamazoo

Every 4-6 weeks, a random encounter with a female I don’t know escalates into sex. It’s important to note that what I mean by “one-night-stand” isn’t the hit’n’quit you do on your ex-girlfriend’s best friend, your buddy’s sister, or anybody else you know on a meaningfully personal level prior to insertion of boner into fishpocket–it’s a total stranger, and you will probably spend the next three weeks worrying about whether or not you contracted herpes.

There’s been a lot of variance in the scenarios that led me to instafucks. One was Asian, one took about 20 minutes between the time words were exchanged and sex was had, and another told me she never wanted to see me again in her life. However, they all had a few things in common so I’ll list them for your convenience:

“Never wanna see me again? A’ight.” 

1. Drunk: in all instances, I was teetering between consciousness and blackout drunk. Thanks to some kink in my genetics, however, I don’t get whiskeydick. While a lot of people at this point are drowsy from alcohol’s depressive effects and physically uncoordinated, I am one of those people who responds to excessive alcohol consumption with unbridled aggression in conjunction with the malfunction of all my social filters.

2. Cockblockers diffused early: potential cockblockers were eliminated from the interaction between an ephemeral fuckbuddy and myself fairly quickly. Cockblockers were too drunk, horny, or stupid to realize what was going on and failed to fulfill their natural imperative to make other people miserable.

3. She was really horny: obviously.

4. She didn’t care if a condom was used: girls these days seem to think that birth control doubles as an STD blocker.

5. Thursday: all of my random fucks were had on Thursday. Don’t underestimate the first night of the weekend. Every girl who wants to get fucked gets picked off early and doesn’t go out Friday and Saturday because she’s already maxed out her SlutCard.

Wrong day of the week, sweety

I’m not going to say that it’s in your best interest to get blackout drunk all the time because the odds are against you in the pursuit for anonymous pussy. You might end up emptying your bank account, provoking physical altercations with other sexually frustrated dudes, or destroying property. There is a certain amount of luck involved. Kalamazoo isn’t a very big town so the chances you’ll find somebody ready to slut it out with a stranger is low.

Also, expect to fuck girls in the 6-7 range in terms of attractiveness. 8-9’s are surrounded by legions of dudes trying to fuck them. You need to swoop in on a girl who’s under the radar early on in the night while the more aggressive dudes are trying their hand at fucking the five or six hottest girls at Y-bar (and undermining one another completely in the process). If you’re wondering about the rest of the attractiveness spectrum, 10’s don’t exist and 1-5’s don’t deserve mention.


Expect to be interrupted by a couple Scavenger Steves while in the process of transitioning the party to a more private location. The moment these types of guys see a girl exhibiting sexual interest in anything or anybody, they instinctively swoop in like starved hyenas. As I laid out before, the key to diffusing this type of cockblocker is to ignore their advance and allow them to crash and burn under the weight of their own desperation. Fortunately, guys who don’t get laid have a hard time hiding it in their body language, and 99% of Scavenger Steves don’t get laid.

I hope this helps. I know this has essentially been a primer for guys so, to my female audience, I apologize. If you’re looking for a one night stand, just make sure you have a pulse and no obvious physical deformities.




4 thoughts on “Getting a one-night-stand in Kalamazoo

  1. Dude, I don't know what you are complaining about Kalamazoo bars if you swooping 9 to 12 different girls a year in just SNL. What about your regulars? I may have to move there if it's that easy!

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