Titcurtains and Social Disorder: if you don’t look good naked, you don’t look good

I’ve picked up on the latest in female fashion while perusing the streets of Chicago and, to a lesser extent, Kalamazoo this summer, so I’ve noticed that the infamous “titcurtain” is not only back in full force, but it’s become the default form of fucking dress for most girls on campus and in the cities. Not that I give a shit about fashion, but I’m feeling far less rustling in my jimmies this summer, and I’m witnessing a whole lot more bitchy attitude from girls who haven’t earned the right to be bitches.

One maxim I live by is: if she’s covering something up, there’s something there. And so, I assume any girl donning a billowy poof over her torso is doing so, not out of a naively misplaced sense of modesty, but as a calculated component of her attire with the intention to shroud the extra gut fat limping off her waistline. After all, the healthy female figure is what gets blood boiling and boners popping, not a pair of legs jutting out of a nondescript ball of boring, so I see no reason why a girl would intentionally handicap herself by looking as bland as she can.

But you know what? That’s okay. I’m not here to tell anybody how to dress or how to live. You know, I’d actually think of it as her doing us all a favor by not subjecting the world to the the sight of her bad habits manifest as a grotesque sack of cheesy blubber jiggling off her midsection, but, look, if you’re going to dress humbly then…

be humble.


Another maxim I live by is: if you don’t look good naked, then you don’t look good. So, when I see a girl with rows of cellulite hanging off the backs of her thighs, and she’s wearing a loose sleeve as a shirt because she subsists on cheetos and bacon grease, I don’t think she’s earned the right to be acting like she’s got the status of a runway model.

Most titcurtainers (for lack of a better term) I meet have convinced themselves that if the world can’t see it, it’s not there, and so they abuse the privilege conferred to them by clever clothing designs to act like that hot bitch they’ve always dreamed of being. Step back a second there, sweet cheeks–I’m not fooled and, believe me, people aren’t as stupid as you think they are. If I were duped into buying your implication that there’s a glorious, secret treasure underneath that polyester parachute, I wouldn’t be writing this and I wouldn’t hearing guys (and some girls) complain about how awful they’re making girls act.

I mean, I know America has a weight problem, but is it really this bad? Have things gotten so out of hand in the US of A that even young girls in their prime years of physical attractiveness are squandering them with bad diet and poor fashion sense? And lest I make this sound like a polemic against women rather than an illumination of a social problem, I will say that guys are also to blame for amplifying the crescendo of this summertime Bitch Wave. I feel like a lot of them are fooled by the titcurtain shroud and they’re feeding the egos of girls they usually wouldn’t bother with if they were keen on the deception at play.

So stay cool this summer. If you’re going to wear a titcurtain, then by all means, wear the fuck out of it. Just realize that it doesn’t give you the right to act like a bourgeois cunt whose shit smells like daffodils and honey. You’re human like the rest of us, don’t forget it.

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One thought on “Titcurtains and Social Disorder: if you don’t look good naked, you don’t look good

  1. Pingback: Disgruntled Fat Sluts of the World, Unite!

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